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bulimic american living abroad {bala, (c)2005} [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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friends?; PIX [Jul. 4th, 2007|10:24 am]
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btw: i haven't been locking entries on this journal but i may do so, either starting soon or retroactively.
the take-home msg = if you'd like for us to be 'friends,' please leave a comment saying so! kthnx. : )

me after a binge, and before & after the ensuing purge (may 06); warning--undies!Collapse )
sometimes i look like i could be in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy before purging, eh?!

i don't think my top half looks too horrible, considering i am practically flat-chested... i like how streaky my hair looks here. i DO NOT dye it!Collapse )

(i'd post pics of me at a significantly fatter weight too, but they ain't pretty & i don't want to make you spontaneously projectile-vomit ;-).
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a couple pages from 'overcoming bulimia' workbook--from MAY, 2004 [Feb. 15th, 2007|08:50 am]
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[Current Location |eastern caribbean--at 'home']
[mood |pensivepensive]
[music |SATC!!]

i realize that i haven't been very active on this account for a few weeks.  i am not abandoning it, but the truth is that while i don't want or sense a need to completely 'let go' of ED comms on LJ as i pursue recovery, i also need to allow myself to take breaks when i feel trigger-prone / whenever.  so i'm sorry if i haven't been a very good 'friend' to you, but please don't give up on me if you can stand it!!

anyway, i found the following table while searching through an old document in which i used to store planned posts to LJ and other personal diary stuff in spring, 2004 when i was doing a 5-month internship in berlin, germany and didn't have internet in the plattenbau apt. where we international interns/scholars were housed out in the industrial boondocks... 

it was really interesting for me to review how i weighed the pros/cons of my ED and of recovery at that time; esp. since i wound up being consistently active in my ED for another good 2 1/2 years!  despite therapy and stabs / personal intentions aimed at recovery... 
maybe it would be useful to others of you to make a similar graph, maybe not.

22.5.04 - a snippet from overcoming bulimia workbook - i have been filling some of it out and the 'decisional balance worksheet' chart got real messy and smeary so i am going to type it up. 


contradictions in my costs/benefits?  
besides the fact that recovery wouldn't necessarily mean not being lonely/unfulfilled and could still involve me not knowing what to do with my life/how, contradiction = cost and benefit of ED in terms of distraction from loneliness and job-school-life-related decision-making!

process of recovery? how do benefits compare to costs? 
my logical side has known from beginning that not having an ED would be better/healthier but i have it anyway and for reasons, good or not. i am not insane. but the probs of loneliness and frustration / disappointment / not figuring out what i want to do / finding interesting job and getting hired remain whether or not i recover, though i suppose recovering could be beneficial for dealing and in any case probably not detrimental compared to not recovering... **i am not yet more than 45-70% committed to immediate recovery, i guess...**

**=i found this bit particularly telling.

{x-posted to life_beyond_eds & ed_ucate}
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Not a Pretty Girl [Feb. 7th, 2007|08:43 pm]
[mood |frustratedsexuallyfrustrated&generally..]

Ani DiFranco @ The Power Center
Originally uploaded by Airscale.
so, what's been going on this evening so far=

--things seem just as sad (& sexless) as they did last night despite my efforts to re-snag / get 2 different attractive young men back under my roof... wtf am i doing wrong? (as if you'd be in a position to tell me!) i keep putting myself 'out there' and ultimately getting hurt/disappointed/rejected // dicked with by stupid boys disguised as grown-up men...
this blows.

--a solid hour and a half after dinner, i was lying down resting on my side (helloooo, i fail to sleep past 6a.m. these days sometimes, even when i've gone to bed well past midnight and have the morning all but free to sleep thru & nothing pressing / more urgent/important to do when i'm awake at dawn; what the F?!?!!) and suddenly, i burped up some acid refluxy stuff - ick; and when i got up and went to the washroom, i semi-involuntarily puked up a bit of my nasty, acidic chyme from dinner/dessert... blech and i really do NOT count this as a 'slip' in terms of recovering from my b/p ED behavior b/c it just wasn't fair! and i did NOT have an objective binge, even tho i drank a smoothie / other liquid along w/my dinner.
& now i feel caught between physically full & empty/hungry, GRRR. i've been so good lately! relatively speaking of course...

--i was reminded yet again that i am Not a Pretty Girl and i'm now trying to ever-so-slowly DL some ani difranco, dangit!
i may need to make herbal tea, pop in a DVD and pretend to be content with my solitary existence. fffffffffffffffuck that.

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

EDIT: also, i have gotten like -no- fun/real/substantial emails today, which is odd & also irritating/vexing to me;
finally, i am heavier than i want to be (but what's new haha? ARGH)

x-posted to adults_with_eds
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study shows that muscular people don't burn calories any better/faster than fat people, etc. [Jan. 29th, 2007|09:20 am]
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[mood |crushedcrushed.yeh-but NOTcuzof this!]

excerpts from the article here.

Diet, Exercise Take Off Equal Pounds, Study Finds:

(confirmation of what you probably already know:)  They found there is no way to selectively lose belly fat, for instance, or trim thighs. And their carefully controlled study added to evidence that adding muscle mass does not somehow boost metabolism and help dieters take off even more weight.

Ravussin said the study, published in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, is one of the few done under controlled conditions that can actually demonstrate what happens to a human body while dieting and exercising.

any thoughts/opinions?

x-posted to 'fitbody_fitmind' community.
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~quote~ [Jan. 7th, 2007|12:11 pm]
'if you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.' - _pollyanna_
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this could explain why the old-school anti-d i'm on is helping me recover from BN! [Jan. 5th, 2007|01:18 pm]
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[music |guns 'n roses]

Since their discovery in the 1950s, tricyclic antidepressants have been used to treat mental depression [& migraine headaches]. Like other antidepressant drugs, they reduce symptoms such as extreme sadness, hopelessness, and lack of energy. Some tricyclic antidepressants are also used to treat bulimia, cocaine withdrawal, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorders, certain types of chronic pain, and bed-wetting in children.

- http://healthresources.caremark.com/topic/antideptri

of course, tricyclic anti-ds, though generally cheap, can have negative side effects & interactions w/other drugs. there may be other reasons NOT to take them. and i'm in no way qualified to prescribe or make sweeping conclusions about them(!).
i'm not claiming that they're the BEST drugs (or even anti-d) to treat depression, either (i know some people try prozac) and i'm just sharing b/c this could be interesting or useful info to others...
i've been taking 50 mg of imipramine per day for a little over a month now.

some more links* on this subject:


(*or you could just use google :-)

x-posted to ed_ucate
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'Heart of gold' pic [Jan. 1st, 2007|04:54 pm]
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[Current Location |dominica 'home']

Heart of gold
Originally uploaded by Barca_Branca.
I've been comparatively distant from LJ for a couple of weeks, but I'm diving back in.
I posted a fun, reflective end-of-year questionnaire on my non-ED journal that subtly addresses my ED issues (if you'd like to read or do it yourself, check out herzchen.

I crumbled during a weak/anxious spell on the eve of Xmas eve and sort of b/p'd so I definitely plan to remain 'abstinent' for longer than 2 weeks this time, but overall I've been doing okay in that realm... And I did enjoy the week I spent visiting relatives over Xmas, though it didn't snow and we didn't get around to drinking martinis or doing karaoke; I wished I had planned to stay longer, in fact--even though I caught a head cold.
We played Spoons and hung out; walked around Manhattan, drank espresso coffee; cooked and drank vino and ate fancy chocolates; gave & opened gifts; watched movies, including 'Love Actually' which made me cry yet again; etc.

Still waiting for news from law schools to trickle in and finishing up my apps.

Happy New Year, my friends. May it bring you joy, hope, wisdom, inspiration and inner peace. :-)
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meme-y [Dec. 17th, 2006|08:09 pm]
this is kinda sad, but i can't help but chuckle:

On the twelfth day of Christmas, allesfresser sent to me...
Twelve rainbows skydiving
Eleven secrets waterskiing
Ten eds a-bloating
Nine beaches baking
Eight twentysomethings a-jogging
Seven ednos a-walking
Six pancakes a-diving
Five ho-o-o-ob knobs
Four tom hanks
Three john stamos
Two moon phases
...and a home in a distorted memory.
Get your own Twelve Days:
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food journaling, shitty day (literally), doc, weight... [Dec. 13th, 2006|06:10 pm]
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[mood |grumpygrumpy]
[music |watching 'the sound of music']

i've written down what i eat before either in hopes of it motivating me to diet / eat healthier or as part of an assignment from an ED therapist, but it's never really done more than bore or even trigger me (e.g. 'oh look, that was a bad choice of a post-lunch snack; this gives me reason enough to b/p when i get home').
i'm usually aware of what i've eaten on any given day and then when the next day comes, i start re-tallying. it's not as if i count calories, but i do look at the label for info on content when available and torture myself over things, etc.
but i think i'm going to record my food intake for a while--maybe as private posts on lj, for convenience's sake--and see how i feel about it. though it's possible that i would feel more accountable/motivated if i were sharing the journal w/*someone*. know of any comms like that?? i don't want to get into pro-ana territory!

today the doctor not only shared w/me that she doesn't want me to be on anti-ds for longer than a few weeks / couple months (though she did slightly up my dosage for the next 3 weeks) and confirmed that there's no available therapist for me to see on-island, but also casually commented that i've lost weight.
she last saw me just a week and a half ago and i doubt i look any slimmer, though sometimes it has seemed as if the anti-d suppresses my appetite a bit.
she doesn't know i'm bulimic.

i refused to step on her scale b/c i know it to be inconsistent/erattic {i so blanked on the spelling of that word for a sec--am indeed tired!!} yet also knew that if it told me i weighed any MORE than i did the last time i stepped onto a reliable scale a couple weeks ago (and was forced to recognize that i'm 12 lbs heavier than i was in the spring), i'd flip out. she didn't mind and i hope to gain access to that more accurate scale in our office again soon...

gah. i'm tired and a bit grouchy and am supposed to attend a meeting and report on something this evening; i'm not really prepared but it doesn't matter, it'll be fine.

i clogged my toilet a couple hours ago. it's fine now, but sorta ironic that it never clogged when i was flushing shit AND a bunch of barf in it at once. it's been running and the water's been lower-pressure lately though so i'm not really surprised. my landlady wants to have someone look at / fix it. she thinks i've been accidentally on-purpose flushing tampons down it or 'dropping hair things' in there w/o noticing, which so isn't the case; she can be a real cunt weasel...
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OCD tendencies; early rising [Dec. 11th, 2006|08:02 am]

b u b b l e s
Originally uploaded by _ n a t u r a l _.
at first the anti-ds i just started seemed to make me drowsy, but after a few days, i started automatically waking up earlier than necessary--even if, like last night, i am up til 2a.m. and plan to sleep til 8 or later. i was wide awake at 6 and couldn't fall back asleep, even though it's dim in my apt. and there was the pitter-patter of rain outside.
it's a little annoying, but i guess i just gotta get used to this phase...
i generally sleep in better post-b/p- like after the other night's slip- but that doesn't feel *good* and def isn't worthwhile!

i realized a way in which i've become more obsessive lately, although it's not a NEW development:
when i read, esp. novels, i tend to want to mark certain passages into a quote bank; and sometimes words that i want to integrate into my own vocab. so the last 4 books i've read & enjoyed are piled next to my laptop and i need to go through and type up the stuff i want to 'keep' and erase any pencil markings... but i procrastinate on that and tend to want to move right on to the enjoying the next book.
it seems horribly impatient & irresponsible of me. esp. since these books are borrowed.
yet it's a compulsion/desire and it ain't hurting anyone... i feel a weird sense of entitlement and obligation.

i suspect i am making no sense.

oops, my alarm just went off--but i've been up for 2 hours. poop.
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